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Nov. 5th, 2008

How am I different today than I was yesterday? What world to I want to live in now?

I will probably consider this election the defining one in my maturity.  This is the first election I have paid attention to candidates all down the ticket instead of voting straight party lines.  

This is the first election I have voted for people and against chickens, and did no good in either case. ( a little levity here folks)

This is the election that I truly believe has allowed me to recover a little bit of my idealism and not feel like a fucking schmuck for wanting a bright, articulate, idealistic president to represent my country regardless of his party. 

This is the first election that I have repeatedly called a vice presidential candidate a stupid cunt, and I've never regretted referring to her that way.

This is my first election as a wife, and from the start it's been different.  The coincidence of timing that put my wedding 4 days before the passage of Proposition 8 made me realize how truly abhorent I find discrimination.  It has made me a fighter and a weeper.  I wept this morning, in bed with my husband, for my friends Jefferson and Alex.  I wept in fear for the legality of their marriage, and fear for how far we have to go.  I couldn't take joy in the election of my bright, articulate, idealistic president because I truly feel that I am lessened by living in this world, where stong and solid people like Jefferson and Alex are second class citizens.

And this is the election that made me realize that it's not just money I need to contribute, but time and energy and work.

And so I ask you... What is there to do, besides send people money and sign petitions?  What can I do?  

We are all sad, we are all betrayed, we are all capable of doing something else and making a small difference turn into a large difference...

What's next? 


This isn't going to be earth shattering insight, I'm sure someone somewhere said it earlier, or better, or both.

With the swiftly approaching date of my marriage, I've been obviously thinking a lot about it.  And not just idiotic things like chair bows, but kind of a deep level running commentary about what it means. 

And the other night Matt and I sat down to choose/write vows.  And it became clear to me why we cannot offer people a lack of equality in regards to marriage.  The idea of seperate but equal has never worked before.  I'm not sure why so many relatively liberal heterosexual people think it is going to work now.

To be very clear, in case I get muddled later.  I am so firmly against Prop 8, that when I  learn that people I otherwise like and respect are for it, it makes me feel ill and sad and I wonder how on earth I will ever look at them the same again.

But I do understand why the issue isn't clear cut in their minds. 

A lot of arguments that are PRO PROP 8 have to do with the concepts of "marriage" as a religious institution.  People will suggest that we should simply "call it something else" when homosexuals marry, and that solves the problem.  Then the religion that they espouse will not have to acknowledge the sanctity of a union between two people that they believe the Bible states should never be together in the first place.   And I see nothing wrong with religions refusing to marry homosexuals in their churches.  If I were homosexual, I wouldn't want to be married in, say, a Mormon Temple.  But growing up I knew a boy who was both gay, and mormon.  He was one of the most tormented people I have ever met.  ( I digress)  Those are not the minds we are changing this week, those are the minds we may never change. 

Marriage is not a religious institution in all cases, but it's definitely not simply a legal construct.  When I stand up in 6 days to offer my lifelong love and support and tell my fiance that I honor him, with all that I am, and all that I have.  I am not offering him heath benefits and the ability to choose whether to take me off life support. 

I am offering him a piece of my soul.  I am offering him something spiritual.  My commitment is about the faith I have in him, and in myself, and in the strength of us together.   Marriage is about jumping off a cliff together emotionally.  About binding yourself to a person in a way that will never allow you to be disentangled, even if you choose to sever legal ties.  Once you say those words, you will forever have a piece of this person.  Look at all those descriptive words I just used: soul, spiritual, faith, binding, forever...

Look religious doesn't it? 

And for some people, it is about God and having some higher power recognize the union. Sure.  I'm for marriage meaning to you whatever you want it to mean.  To me it's not about God.  I took god out of it.  The only blessing Matt and I are asking is the one that our friends and family will be giving us by witnessing.

And so I do see how confusing it can be, to be a person married in a time when you didn't take God out of things.  And to look at your marriage and feel that to boil it down to a legal construct is a cheapening of the faith you had.  I would also completely reject that idea.

But I think what you confuse with religion, is your spirituality.   Offering equality to everyone who loves and has faith deosn't cheapen what you have.  It doesn't effect what you have.  The same way, my secular ceremony doesn't assault  a Catholic wedding.  You cannot really believe that homosexuality is just fine, and be against their ability to marry.  You might think you can, but what you are saying is that because of the sex of who they choose to sleep with, they are unworthy.  They are not capable of having that faith in themselves, in eachother.  They cannot make that commitment.  And when you demonstrate that you believe that fundamentally you believe they are NOT CAPABLE of human emotion and commitment, you say they are inferior.  

When you say that offering homosexuals the same legal protections of marriage will lead to fraud.  You are saying that they not only will lie to get benefits, but that they are liars who don't take commitment seriously enough.  Let me break something to you, human beings are liars.  People "marry" all the time to get green cards, to get benefits, to get legal protections.  People who are heterosexuals.  To ignore that the legal system is already assaulted with this, and say it is because of "the gays" is bigoted and wrong. People making "legal arguments" about why we should't legalize homosexual marriage, are in effect, bigots.  If there is already abuse in the system, then saying people will abuse the system makes no sense, unless of course you mean THOSE people, those untrustworthy OTHER people.  

To offer THOSE people a civil union is to give them the very legal protections you don't want them to have, and expect them to abuse.  AND it denies them the right to have that intangible spiritual connection that a marriage is, recognized.  All because you believe that to "allow" them that connection is to cheapen yours.  

Are some of your best friends black?

My marriage is about a lot of things, and Matt and I are the people who decide what those things are.  I am against proposition 8 because I believe that the state doesn't have the right to tell me what my marriage is about, or that I am not capable of making that commitment based on who I choose to have sex with.   And so, the state is not capable of making that decision for anyone.  If you recognize that homosexuals should get all the legal and financial benefits and constructs of a marriage, you are a bigot if you think that you should then refuse to call it a marriage.  You and I do not have the right to dictate the spiritual component of commitment between two people, any two people at all.

(If you think homosexuality is wrong and that they should all be brainwashed in camps until they "get right with the lord" or some such... What the fuck are you doing here?  And how can I get you off my planet?  Regardless, I'm not talking to you.  You and I will never have anything to say to one another. )

Jun. 13th, 2008

Matt laughed at me and said  I watch too many movies as he left for work.  I can hear the trumpet player who lives next door whistling as he gets into his car. 

I' ve arranged to work from home.  I hope it's nothing, but I really can't shake the feeling that outside is not a safe place to be. 

The dogs are kind of nuts, I'm giving Maggie half a tranquilizer to make her stop yapping.  Jack? Jack is STILL growling and they won't go outside.   I've opened the crawl spaces into the attic and under the house.  From the attic one I can get to the garage, I pulled my car into the garage just after Matt left. 

The neighborhood is really quiet, and the news reports online are of burning and strange illness.

Matt is an idiot for going to work.


Jun. 13th, 2008


Dogs were rambunctious all night.  Jack never stopped growing.  I gave up about 6 and got up.  Looking in the back yard, part of our back fence has been knocked down and that orange cat?  Well all that is left of the orange cat is a bloody orange and white lump on the back patio.


So clearly something knocked down our fence, and ripped a cat to shreds?


I'm gonna wake Matt up in a few and try to figure out what happened.  The big sliding glass door is locked but I don't feel quite safe.  There isn't much on the internet but sounds of sirens.  To turn watch the TV, I have to sit in the room with the giant glass door.  I'll be skipping that for now.

Anyone else out there got a really bad feeling?


Jun. 13th, 2008

The dogs have been really restless tonight.  I think it's the heat.  Three times I've put them in their crates and each time they've woken me up barking as if there are intruders in the back yard.  The last time, I thought I heard a noise out there when I went to yell at them, but when I turned on the light and looked out, nothing was there.  It must have been that stupid orange cat from next door. 

I gave up and moved the mongrel horde into the bedroom a few minutes ago.  Jack is still growling, way down deep in his chest.  

Stupid Cat.



If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad.


A Meme of sorts

Stolen from harmanhay Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on religion, favorite type of underwear, random techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other!

Really, enough about me, what do you want to know about me?


Or alternatively you can ask me a question, any question and I will answer it.  Comments Screened unless you tell me not to.  Anonymous comments allowed.  And I will answer your question even if it is insulting and trollish with the same consideration I give everyone else. 

IP logging, not off, behave yourselves.


Help Save Our State Parks...

So, some of you rennies may have heard that our venue for SLO ( central Coast Renaissance Faire) is in danger of being closed as part of a measure to close 20% of California state parks.    That information appears to have been incorrect.  SLO is held in a regional park and shouldn't be effected by the state closures.  Which is not to say that things like San Simeon state park aren't a loss.  So this is still important.

This is a cost saving measure on the part of the Governator, becasue California is predictably short for it's budget. ( shocking)

Anyway the measure saves a pittance of the projected need, and hurts us all in the process.

There is an online petition to continue to fight it.  They are up to 14k in signatures, but need about 10k more to hit their goal.  ( No I do not know the significance of the signature goal)

I oppose the closing of our state parks simply because I view it as a slippery slope in a state that is often over developed and where land is at a premium.  I would hate to see the eventual result of these closings to be the sale of public land to developers to make up budget shortfalls. 

If you are interested in spreading this message GO HERE

If you are interested in signing the petition GO HERE
So instead of turning someone else's self obsessed blatherings into snark, I think I will try to get some real discussion going on a Wednesday...

Lately the lesson I am learning ( over and over, as it hasn't sunk in) is that people think more highly of me than I think that they do.  I simply do not trust that the opinion expressed by people who love me about my abilities, basic value etc are what they really feel.

So there is clearly a basic conflict between the self I present to other people and my perception of myself. 

So for the purposes of discussion here are what I perceive as the three versions or "self" that people have.

1) Real self.  This is the person you actually are.  I would characterize this as the person you prove yourself to be through actions and works.
2) Known to others Self.  This is the person you offer to people.  I would characterize this person as the person you talk about being.
3) Perceived self ( AKA Matrix self) This is the person you "see" yourself being in your head.   This is your idealized version of yourself.

Generally I think that Selves 2 and 3 overlap quite a bit.  That overlap has to do with people wanting to be percieved as "good people".  Where they don't overlap is where a person is so deluded that they cannot see that the self they present to other people does not match their idealized version.  Also sometimes people will deliberately "lowball" themselves to keep other people from having too high an expectation of them.

I think that the selves 1 and 2 CAN overlap and do often.  People who are really deceptive naturally show other a face that is not TRUE.  But their actions eventually out them.  I think truly balanced people have the self awareness to recognize when their actions do not match their words, and try to bring them in line.  Really balanced people also recognize when their actions and words do not match their ideal, and try to bring them all in line a bit.

The sad thing that sparked this post, is when the Martix self you have in your head, blinds you to your real self, and instead of bringing things in line, you try to make up for it by talking a lot about the person that you are.  It's kind of a shell game you know?  The patter is supposed to blind people to the fact that the actions you are taking are "cheating" in some way.

Question:  What are other ways you see pepole around you, or even themselves, not having the balance to see all three selves?

Questions: What are your concepts of self?  What do you perceive about yourself that others maybe do not? Or vice versa?

Question:  Riddle me this Batman... When, as friends, we see someone we care for clearly acting deeply deluded... what is our responsibility?  When do we throw up our hands?

I am making this post public, which is pretty rare, but the person who most needs to think about it, cannot read my friends locked stuff. 

I am interested in your thoughts-- any of them, if you agree, disagree, have a different conception of self, have pop or non pop psychology to offer me any of it.  I wanna hear it.


The Savage ChelleDerBeast

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